Tallahassee and We Shall All Be Healed both featured microsites on 4AD's Mountain Goats page. As described by 4AD, "Visit the amazing new web site for 'Tallahassee', The Mountain Goats new album, due for release on 27th January 2003. This fantastic site has been put together by the band themselves and features a room-by-room tour of the house in Tallahassee. Go to the Tallahassee site now..." While the site is no longer available, much of it is contained at the Internet Archive. This serves as the most complete archive of the text that I'm aware of, although it's unfortunately very incomplete.
If you have a fuller copy, please let me know — I would love to archive it in full.
The Mountain Goats. 4AD. 2004, retrieved March 24, 2014.
Table of contents
- Living Room
- Front Yard
Items found in the attic are still being deloused/categorized/dusted for prints. As said items include a reel of Super-8 film which is presently undergoing reconditioning for digital transfer, the reader is encouraged to check this room again sometime within the next week.
Ativan (in the medication cabinet)
Medication information: Ativan (lorazepam)
Your doctor has prescribed for you Ativan. Ativan is classified as an antianxiety agent and the potential for abuse is identified as high. Uses for Ativan include but are not limited to: relief of anxiety, relief of insomnia, reduction of symptoms common to and associated with severe alcohol withdrawal.
It is very important to follow your doctor's instructions with regard to this medication! Improper use of Ativan can result in liver & kidney damage, insomnia, extreme agitation, and impaired judgement. Instructions for use:
Take with food.
Unless otherwise instructed, finish all medication.
Be kind to your family, since they are the ones who really understand you.
Report all unusual symptoms to your physician immediately, especially in case of: clumsiness, dizziness, sleepiness, unsteadiness, or weakness, convulsions, hallucinations, memory loss, trouble breathing or staggering/trembling.
Librium (in the medication cabinet)
Medication Information: chlordiazepoxide (generic for Librium)
Your doctor has prescribed for you chlordiazepoxide. Chlordiazepoxide is classified as an antianxiety agent and as such should be taken only when the pressure is really beginning to get to you. Contraindications for chlordiazepoxide include but are not limited to: daily alcohol intake equal to or above two drinks per day, a history of severe alcohol abuse, or stated intent to take up heavy drinking on a daily basis.
It is very important to follow your doctor's instructions with regard to this medication! Improper use of chlordiazepoxide can result in a whole host of unfortunate events too regrettable to detail here. Instructions for use:
Take with food.
Unless otherwise ordered, take all medication as ordered.
Do not take chlordiazepoxide if your work requires that you drive long distances or operate heavy machinery.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Annihilate pamphlet (on the duffel bag)
THE BIRDS are whistling in the trees, melodies from before the hills themselves were formed. The magnolia blushes & blooms: all systems go! and we are buried beneath three thousand different recurring dreams, several new ones for each day of the year. Al Green is singing that song again. His joy exceeds all limitations. God is with him.
The hurricanes will never come this year. The trawlers will come in from the ocean all fat with fish, and in the high glass restaurants dotting the shore the tourists will overfeed themselves, then drift off to sleep at their tables. Someday they will all be shot where they stand. Our Lord Jesus Christ has split for Massachusetts which was what his ticket read in the first place. There has been a mixup at the station. He will not be coming back here. You can bet on it.
The guy down at the Liquor Emporium is named George. His love is as bottomless as the ocean. His heart beats in sync with the constant westward bending of the palms: leaning. Rising. Listing. Recovering. Recovering. Recovering. Recovering.
Child of God, your number is up! We will never make it back to Arizona now. There isn't anybody out in Arizona anyway. Everybody's heading east for the holidays again. Your timing is off. This is news to no-one, that your timing is bad. What's news to you is that it's getting worse. You'll show up when you're least expected where you're most unwanted. Nothing personal! Nothing personal. The breeze is keening in the high trees but this is nothing personal. The time draws close and it's all coming to a head but this is nothing personal. You will regret receiving this pamphlet, but you will not forget what you did with it. Ever. Believe me.
(animated images, including text: HONOR OBEY DESTROY LOVE)
(animated images, including text listed below:)
In all this, there is no one to lend me support except Michael your Prince, on whom I rely to give me support and reinforce me. And now I shall tell you the truth about these things.
— Daniel 10:21 – 11:2
The two kings, seated at one table, hearts bent on evil, will tell their lies; but they will not have their way, for the appointed time is still to come. Then the wretch will return greatly enriched to his own country, his heart set against the holy covenant; he will take action and then return to his own country. In due time, he will make his way southwards again, but this time the outcome will not be as before. The ships of the Kittim will oppose him, and he will be worsted. He will retire and take furious action against the holy covenant and, as before, will favor those who forsake the holy covenant.
— Daniel 11:27–20
I am your future and I am going to eat you alive
all right then
This is what the Lord God showed to me:
there was a swarm of locusts
when the second crop was sprouting,
full-grown locusts, after the king's hay had been cut.
When they had eaten all the grass in the land,
I said, "Lord God, forgive, I beg You.
How can Jacob survive, being so small?"
— Amos 7:1–2
can I bring my friend
Disaster for those who long for the Day of the Lord!
What will the Day of the Lord mean for you?
It will mean darkness, not light,
as when someone runs away from a lion,
only to meet a bear;
he goes into the house and puts his hand on the wall,
only for a snake to bite him.
Will not the Day of the Lord be darkness, not light,
totally dark, without a ray of light?
— Amos 5:18–20
get ready now
The waters round me rose to my neck,
the deep was closing round me,
seaweed twining round my head.
To the roots of the mountains,
I sank into the underworld,
and its bars closed round me forever.
— Jonah 2:6–7
We spent our season in the cellar
when the heat had overcome us;
me hiding in your arms,
you resting in mine.
However you like.
the Seven Deadly Grains and the Four Cardinal Vines
THE SEVEN DEADLY GRAINS
I. Pelops trichiniolis
Grown by the Anasazi since time immemorial, Pelops trichiniolis's great potential as a weapon has heretofore been severely compromised by tradition, which holds that its stunted oblong grains should only be used for inflicting self-harm. While the grains are said to be delicious and slightly toothsome when boiled in salted water, those few who have survived the eating thereof report that no taste, however savory, could be worth the lasting effects that Pelops trichiniolis takes on on [sic] the gastrointestinal tract.
No two →
THE SEVEN DEADLY GRAINS
II. Mary's Return
An heirloom tomato first recorded in western Massachusetts by the Finns in precolonial times, Mary's Return remains unclassified by botanists, few of whom are willing ot court the risk that proper study of the plant would entail. If the seeds are separated completely from the fruit's firm flesh, it makes an excellent sauce tomato. Should any seeds be overlooked in the cleaning, however, it is worth noting that no remedy exists for the poison contained in the seeds' endosperm, and the toxin targets the central nervous system with remarkable and unerring precision.
No three →
THE SEVEN DEADLY GRAINS
III. Alabama ur-japonica
Instrumental in the development of the nutty-flavored gourmet rice sold as Japonica or "black rice," this somewhat uglier strain is delicious to human beings but kills any wildlife who come into contact with it. While rural farmers still prefer it, rice growers closer to populated areas report that the adverse publicity associated with crop fields thick with the corpses of crows, rabbits, pigeons, possums, deer, mice, et cetera, offsets any benefits that the plant's self-contained pan-pesticide might offer.
No four →
THE SEVEN DEADLY GRAINS
IV. Juniperis chinensis
Not technically deadly nor a grain, but important enough in both of our lives to qualify for includion here. When you have been down to Hell you will understand.
No five →
THE SEVEN DEADLY GRAINS
V. Western Bright-thorn
Prospectors in the Black Hill of South Dakota sent specimens of this plant to California with their wives, expecting to join them there after striking it rich. Its flowers make excellent dyes when in bloom, but once gone to seed go white like dandelions and disperse easily in the wind. This is problematic because the seeds at the end of each soft white downy wisp are sharp enough to lacerate one's cornea, which they seem to seek out almost willfully. Cultivation of Western Bright-thorn in most states is restricted by law to indoor conditions.
No six →
Enrich your landscape and empower the needy with
the Four Cardinal Vines
Tolerance. Go ahead, prune it if you think it'll make you feel better. Apply some herbicine, or plant invasive hairy vetch to try and choke this baby out. Cut back the creepers or run over them with a lawn mower. Claw at the roots with your bare hands if you must. Once in, always in! said an 1837 circular found still wheat-pasted to the wall of a long-abandoned seed supply company out near Jacksonville. Will eat your house eventually if your faith is strong enough. Give glory to God in the highest, and peace to His people on earth.
Forbearance. The whole point of this magnificent vine is not the slick Chinese jad-green foliage that dazzles the eye as it is the utter pointlessness of even planting it in the first place. The first spring, enjoy its all-covering opulence! Thereafter, no amount of fertilization, accommodation, improved lighting conditions, or consultation with experts will stop Forbearance from reducing itself by half. And so again the next year, and again the next. Good friend to dig the dust enclosed here and whatnot. Half-remembered rhymes & ill-forgotten vines for these best new grasping times. Selah.
Noncompliance. Deep down in your hear you know you're right. All your friends say you're wrong, or they used to until they got tired of telling you so. WHat do they know? And what about us? Let's not get greedy here: there is plenty of blame to spread around. Come friends, come foes, and sup at the bounteous horn of noncompliance. Its flowers burst from its roots: when we accidentally uncover them with a careless bootheel crushing out a cigarette butt, we are stunned. It's such a pretty flower! Why has nature preordained that it grow underground, away from the light? Ours not to reason why. You don't even want to hear the end of that one, brother.
Incandescence. Unremarkable when green, except that it hangs all thick and heavy around the things it climbs. Highly combustible when it dries out around the end of October. Matches are free at most bars and you can pocket several books of them before anybody even notices you've come through the door. My house shall be called a house of prayer for all people. Our own personal virtue is that we know we'll look real smart if people just see us in the right light. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Are You An Alcoholic?
This simple quiz may help you answer the question, "Am I an alcoholic?" Give yourself one point for each "yes" answer.
- Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
- Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
- Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
- Is drinking affecting your reputation?
- Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
- Do you confuse memories of things that have actually happened to you with things that you've seen happen to other people on T.V.?
- Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
- Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
- Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
- Are there periods of time for which you cannot account, no matter how hard you try?
- Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?
- Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
- Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
- Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
- Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
- Do you sometimes "skip" breakfast or lunch so that you'll have more money to spend on drinks?
- In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you've gotten overexcited?
- Has the distinction between drinking alone and drinking with others become so badly blurred that you can no longer tell the difference?
- Do you tell youself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
- Are there no longer times when you really don't mean to get drunk?
- Do you love me?
- Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
- No, really: do you love me?
0–3: Risk low. Even people with no risk of alcoholism sometimes encounter alcohol-related difficulties.
4–10: Risk moderate. Alcohol has probably gotten you into more trouble than you'd like. The possibility that this trend will continue is high unless action is taken soon.
11–20: Risk high. even you are no longer persuaded by the explanations you give for your drinking. Seek help from someplace other than the place where you usually go when you need help.
21–23: Risk null. You have ascended the high mountain and are now beyond the kenning of normal men. Any advice we might offer you would be wholly redundant.
(diagram detailing the process and symptoms of alcohol abuse from start through recovery)
Police suicide evaluation form
TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPARTMENT
SUICIDE EVALUATION FORM
Case #: 2104710
Charge: Disturbing the peace
OBSERVATIONS OF DEFENDANT
[x] Sad [x] Wringing Hands [x] Alcohol Use
[ ] Tired [x] Poor Eye Contact [x] Drug use
[x] Irritable [x] Unresponsive to Questions
[x] Pacing [ ] Complaining of Illness
[x] Unemployed [ ] Age 22 or younger
[ ] No Spouse [ ] Protective Custody
QUESTIONS ASKED OF DEFENDANT
[x] Are you dependent on alcohol or drugs?
[ ] Have you attempted suicide in the past?
[ ] Are you contemplating suicide now?
Evaluating officers Signature <signature>
Count the number of boxes checked and check the appropriate range below.
[ ] Low Risk (0--4) [ ] Medium Risk (5--8)
[x] High Risk (9--14) [ ] Very High Risk (15--17)
Now How Much Would You Pay (in television, linked as gameshow.html)
(short film with the tone of a game show)
Panthers (in teddy bear)
Respect to the organization! Submitted below for the edification and amusement of the Party, a brief history of the National Hockey League team the Florida Panthers as seen from a revolutionary perspective.
Power to the people. In 1992, toward the end of a century marked by an increasingly cunning ruling class and a generally passive if occasionally agitated proletariat, capitalist robber-baron H. Wayne Huizenga tightened his stranglehold around the collective neck of the working masses by increasing his holdings to include a National Hockey League expansion franchise. In a cruel stroke of imperialist arrogance, Huizenga named his team the "Florida Panthers." The team's namesake, both native and unique to the state after which it was named, had been living at the margins of viability for the better part of a century; hunted to near-extinction in post-Civil War times by innumerable incoming opportunist carpetbaggers (possible role-models for counting-house Huizenga and his ilk), it now took shelter in hidden places and supped on such scraps as it could find, biding its time. Its suitability as an emblem of the Struggle is clear.
The Panthers' first season of play began on 6 October, 1993, in Chicago, Illinois, traditionally a stronghold of Big Labor, although decades of compromise with upper management and corruption at the higher levels of leadership had made the once-proud city a shell of its formerly progressive self. The overall weakness of the American labor movement was never more evident than in the performance of the Chicago Blackhawks that evening, who could muster no better than a 4 - 4 tie against a team that had never even taken the ice before in regulation play. The Panthers, meanwhile, led by working class hero Rob Niedermeyer and defended by young labor’s bright hope John Vanbiesbrouck, acquitted themselves quite nimbly for a team whose players earned a mere fraction of their nightly earning power, yet whose income for the first year alone would provide its owners with enough Cristal and beachfront properties to last well into the next millennium.
"Respect was uppermost on my mind when I came to Miami," said Vanbiesbrouck, recalling his early days with the Florida Panthers. "The new group of us were united in wanting to prove to the rest of the league – and one another – that we could play at a competitive level with the rest even though we were a new, expansion team." It's not hard to decode Vanbiesbrouck's remarks: terms like "respect" and "united" and the Beezer's characterization of his team as "new" and "expansion" are veiled references to the covertly revolutionary nature of his organization.
In their first season the Panthers would register thirty-three victories and thirty-four losses, with some seventeen tie games in overtime rounding out their eighty-four game season. It was an auspicious beginning, and the message traveled along the grapevine that the time was short for the enemies of the people in southern Florida. Disappointingly, the plans of the Florida Panthers to lead a general uprising against the market economy and its crippling carrot-stick techniques would never materialize, and their brave beginnings, shrouded in secrecy and unknown by all save the most hidden layers of labor resistance, would be lost to history.
Yet there remains the hope that the Florida Panthers, once a sleeping cell of strength and struggle, will rise from their shackles of luxuriant contracts and idle wealth and make good on the possibility they once seemed to exude. And while to date the team's most revolutionary act has been to make its owners and shareholders embarassingly rich — an act which admittedly seems more sympathetic to the concerns of the bourgeoisie than to the historical struggle of the people for self-determination — in the hearts and minds of the masses, from the telemarketing offices of Miami to the tracklit dance floors of Orlando, the dream remains: of a hockey team that would liberate the working man from his capitalist prison, demonstrating through innovative use of the three-on-three forecheck that the means of production rests with those who wield the implements of labor.
Long live the revolutionary struggle of the people! Long live the Florida Panthers!
Letter (next to wine bottle, titled Ray's Fine Liquors)
Dear <blacked out>
Hi you guys. Listen, even though it's only been six months or so since you came to town, I feel like we know each other pretty well, so I'm going to speak openly with you and I hope that's OK.
It's hard to write this letter because it goes against most of what people teach you when you're first starting up a business: "the customer's always right," don't say anything that might cause people to take their business elsewhere, etc. But over the course of your nightly visits to my store over the past half-year or so I've come to think of you both as something more than customers, and so I think it's only right that I share my concerns with you both. Of course I am delighted at the spike in business I've enjoyed since you started buying from me. But there is only so much drinking you can do before it starts to take a toll on your health, and I'm worried that you might be closer to that tollbridge than you think. If you were to cross it: well! You see how there's a kind of goose/golden egg thing going on here for me.
So I hope you won't think I'm being nosy when I say that even though it'll mean a little less money for me — OK, frankly, a lot less money for me — I'd be happier if you tried switching from brandy to beer or something. Taking a little break. Maybe just on Tuesdays, I don't know. I think in the end you'll both find yourselves happier, too, and that would please me even more than all the extra money I've made since you two came to town.
Just something to think about. Again I hope you won't think I'm speaking out of turn. If you do — well, forget I said anything, then, and I'll see you tomorrow! :)
Owner & Sole Proprieter, Ray's Fine Liquors
Today (on table)
Just for today ...
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do — just for the exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
(mixed historical images in series against alcohol abuse)
The Shocking Truth About Peacocks
Peacocks have a highly developed language, and are thought by many scientists to be the only animal besides man capable of expressing itself abstractly.
In prehistoric cultures the peacock has been observed to hold totemic status. Archaeological evidence strongly suggests that several American communities prior to the continental drift considered the peacock an omen of death or disaster, and left ablutions at the entrances to their dwelling-places before retiring to sleep nightly.
Between 1970 and 1978, peacocks were directly or indirectly responsible for no fewer than 37 deaths in the upper Ohio Valley — more than any other animal, predator or prey, in the same region during the same timespan.
Some peacock mating rituals can take as long as one full calendar year.
Peacocks mate for life, but one mate will often attempt to kill the other just prior to migration.
Contrary to popular belief, peacocks do not eat their young.
However it is generally conceded that peacocks are scavengers, and will submit wholly on carrion for whole seasons at a time. Many once-prominent aviculturalists have left the profession entirely after tending to peacocks through several seasons. The turnover rate within the profession is equalled only by that of severe trauma wards in urban hospitals.